It’s been about nine years since I re-dedicated my life to Christ and perhaps the most poetic and unraveling part of my journey has been the undoing of the sinner I had worked so hard to become. Lets put aside the youth pastor label and while were at it the church member label as well. Lets just get human. I am as wretched as Paul, impulsive and pridefull as Peter, immoral as King David, untrusting as Thomas, and selfish as Judas. There are days I don’t even bother to contend with my sinful nature. And quite frankly, I don’t think that makes me any different from any other Christian out there. That being said it isn’t any easier to look at myself in a mirror, weather that mirror be made of glass or the paper kind with red letters. Insert cliche here… God’s not done with me, Not perfect just forgiven, you won’t arrive till the trumpet blows. That’s all fine and good. But I also happen to know that the Master would rather I be holy even if it is with a little h. But something is happening inside me, for the past ten months or so theres been a complete dissatisfaction, there have been days where I looked in the mirror and downright thought “I hate you”. Don’t get me wrong, its not that jump off a building kinda hate more like, somethings gotta change. I notice the more transparent I become the more dissatisfied I become with myself. And it feels good, like this internal adventure that I know I’m about to embark on. More on this as it comes to me.
