Houseisms (I friggen love this show)

Here are a few quotes from House, my new favorite show of all time.  You owe it to yourself to watch at least one episode. I think it cured me of hypochondria, but then I stoped watching for a week and I got dry skin.

Don’t mind the colorful language it’s not HBO it’s TV.

“I don’t ask why patients lie, I just assume they all do.”

“I’ve found that when you want to know the truth about someone that someone is probably the last person you should ask.”

“…there’s no I in ‘team’. There is a me, though, if you jumble it up.”

“I was never that great a math, but next to nothing is higher than nothing, right?”

“Humanity is overrated.”

“Tests take time. Treatment’s quicker.”

“Patients sometimes get better. You have no idea why, but unless you give a reason they won’t pay you. Anybody notice if there’s a full moon? … let’s rule out the lunar god and go from there.”

“Occam’s Razor. The simplest explanation is almost always somebody screwed up.”

“That’s a catchy diagnosis, you could dance to that.”

“Idiopathic, from the Latin meaning we’re idiots cause we can’t figure out what’s causing it.”

“Never met a diagnostic study I couldn’t refute.”

“If he gets better, I’m right, if he dies, you’re right.”

“If her DNA was off by one percentage point she’d be a dolphin.”

“There is not a thin line between love and hate. There is — in fact — a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every 20 feet between love and hate.”

“You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a- I can’t think of a non-sexual metaphor.”

“Dying people lie too. Wish they’d worked less, been nicer, opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it. You don’t save it for a sound bite.”

“Saying there appears to be some clotting is like saying there’s a traffic jam ahead. Is it a ten-car pile up, or just a really slow bus in the center lane? And if it is a bus, is that bus thrombotic or embolic? I think I pushed the metaphor too far.”

“You don’t like her shoes, you like her legs.”
- Adverse Events

“Not talking fever here, is she all curvy and perky?”
- Adverse Events

“Most idiots don’t have that much ambition.”
- Adverse Events

“But three unproven, untested drugs, it’s like the Mod Squad — no one can stop them.”
- Adverse Events

“Sex can be dismissed as hormonal or emotional and be genuinely regretted. Money is always a calculated decision.”
- Adverse Events

“World’s-sorest-knees-isil. Cuddy used to have that title by the way.”
- Adverse Events

“I know head and heart start with the same three letters, but you’ve got to read all the way to the end.”
- Adverse Events

“That’s a symptom of trying to cram hospital food down a throat he can barely get air down.”
- Adverse Events

“On the other hand, figured she probably wouldn’t figure me as the Photoshopping a photo and planting it in an obscure college paper type either.”
- Adverse Events

“A moment ago, you thought you were dying. Blind is actually good news.”
- Not Cancer

“Which means we have to remove your whole head. Don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt.”
- Not Cancer

“What idiot wears argyle socks with construction boots?”
- Not Cancer

“Tell Foreman to get it: old people are scared of black people.”
- Not Cancer

“There’s the problem — he only had half a brain.”
- Not Cancer

“Cancer plays the field. Metastasis is just a fancy word for screws around.’”
- Not Cancer

“Okay, it is a long shot but it’s possible I’m an ass. Ironically, we need to do a colonoscopy to confirm.”
- Not Cancer

“You’re taking pictures of a guy having an affair with his own sister and you’re lecturing me about the rewards of trust?”
- Not Cancer

“Do you have a different rate plan for being a pain in the ass?”
- Not Cancer

“You’re a math teacher. I deduced you used to be a blind math teacher.”
- Not Cancer

“She’s not your type. Your type’s much stupider than her.”
- Not Cancer

“He wanted time alone. I considered being a horrendous pain in the ass, but I didn’t want to step on your turf.”
- Dying Changes Everything

“I dated her. Well, didn’t really date her, more metaphorically raped her by having a penis.”
- Dying Changes Everything

“Either she cracked under the whip, or she realized her evolutionary purpose is to arouse men, not castrate them.”
- Dying Changes Everything

“My patient’s still fighting in the feminist trenches, but the war is over. Yesterday’s sluts are today’s empowered women, today’s sluts are celebrities — if that isn’t progress.”
- Dying Changes Everything

“You can’t hide from misery.”
- Dying Changes Everything

“I respect things that earn respect. This decision, on the other hand, is a dog wearing a cape.”
- Dying Changes Everything

“Familiar with the concept of sarcasm? Don’t sweat it, it’s new.”
- Dying Changes Everything

“She dumped me after I lost those last eighty-five pounds. Said there was less of me to love.”
- Dying Changes Everything

“Your conscience bleeds more freely than my head.”
- Dying Changes Everything

“I like you better now that you’re dying.”
- Dying Changes Everything

“She’s scary. Why does scary need pathetic?”
- Don’t Ever Change

“People don’t change. For example, I’m gonna keep on repeating ‘people don’t change.’ ”
- Don’t Ever Change

“And I call you Cutthroat Bitch, well, quod erat demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don’t try to hide what an ass I am.”
- Don’t Ever Change

“This isn’t just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she’s conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves… Oh my God — you’re sleeping with me.”
- Don’t Ever Change

“How’s our mental Yentl?”
- Don’t Ever Change

“Slippery slope — today we withhold porn, tomorrow it’s clean bandages.”
- Frozen

“Coma Guy needs cable. Women’s billiards is the only thing keeping him alive.”
- Frozen

“I’m a complicated man: I loathe her for many reasons.”
- Frozen

“Only if you count Jenna Jameson’s autobiography as a gynecological text.”
- Frozen

“We could, but I’d never forgive myself if we found something before we got to your breasts. ”
- Frozen

“Did they teach that before or after the class on fondling your inner child?”
- Frozen

“Tell her to walk north until she runs into a hospital.”
- Frozen

“He drilled a hole in your skull after drinking your pee. I think he’s up for this.”
- Frozen

“Your theory is: I cared, therefore I let her keep her socks on? If that’s what love is, I don’t want anything to do with it. ”
- Frozen