In an effort to “smooth my rough edges”, I have embarked on a journey of self diagnosis. The adjectives often tagged to me can be difficult for some to level or accept would they themselves be labeled such, and I can see why. However, I have on occasion been willing to wear the labels as a sort of badge. Not something I am sure that I wish to do any longer. So, why am I the way that I am? was I indeed traumatized as a child and now this victim of life’s unjust malice roams the earth puking vile sarcasm on those close (and not so close) to him like a puss filled boil drained by the “new guy”? Am I simply void of sympathy and heart, thus making it impossible for me to overcome the desire to place reason over emotion? Enough with the rhetorical questions. Truth is I haven’t seen any fewer bad days than anyone else that’s reading this. And I’m certain that I haven’t seen any more. In fact I would have to say that life is as bitter and sweet for me as it has been for you. I keep people at a distance for my own safety. I decided along time ago that people were not to be trusted and that if you allow someone to come close enough to stab you in the heart, they probably will. It’s true, my outlook on humanity is quite grim to say the least. I’m no hypocrite though. I weigh myself on the same scale. I like the way Paul said, “That which I wish to do, I do not do. And that which I do not wish to do, It is that which I do”. The word also says, “the heart is treacherous above all else, who can know it?” Knowing that within my heart and mind lay pure evil, and also knowing that they have the capacity for good, burdens me with the understanding that I know quite well which I would choose for myself. So maybe I keep you at a distance because I fear either being hurt or betrayed by you, or I fear hurting and betraying you. I’m sure it’s a little of both. Either way it makes me a coward. Of course, tomorrow I could have another reason….
Just because you try to hold us at a distance doesn’t mean we’ll let you. True, you may succeed sometimes, but other times you’ll find yourself letting your guard down and being glad that you did.
Not giving up on you! =)
Yes, i do believe anyone i’ve let close enough to stab me in the heart has.. i too have stabbed them profusely even. .. i suppose i am the same & hide it well.. or not so well. i think i might be so transparent that i’m not transparent at all. i do apologize for the over analytical isbel that has been busting your butt about your cynicism, and smart answers marc. Really i love you for the way you are i love that your true and blunt unrelenting in character. don’t feel like you must smooth the rough edges on behalf of me.
Dude, like Isbel said, there is no need for you to feel you HAVE to smooth your rough edges. We love you for who you are, which includes the occasional rough edge. Seriously, every group of friends should have a Marc.
Your actually pretty transparent, Marc.
some may even say you wear your emotions on your selves.
Were turning this ship. Today’s diagnosis is, I’m a Jerk. Some people (very few) like that about me. I’m blunt about my thoughts and feelings (right or wrong as they may be). I’ts clear that I’m not out to cause pain. Pain rather, is a mere side effect of the “marc-ness”.
If you don’t let people close enough to you to stab you in the heart, you’re just stabbing yourself in the heart. Ooooo…profound. lol And sweetie, you never spue pus!
I take it you like sweet potatoes…yuck!
♥
Mark, I think that “Jerk-ness” is really the only thing we have in common (well, that and leaving our cookie-cutter selves at the flagpoles!)…that’s why I like you!
Hey, I left my “cookie cutter” self at the flagpole and actually picked up Jesus…go figure!
And Chris…stop being a Jerk! ;p
P.S. this is my new URL.
http://54nd5urf3r.wordpress.com/